There is a time in every woman’s life when she looks in the mirror and does not recognize herself. Sometimes, the image that meets her eyes is tired, uninterested, or dull. That time was over a decade ago, and rebuilding my self-esteem has been one of the most significant changes I have ever made. Midlife is not a time to retire but to grow, change, and become the person one wants to be.

Self-esteem is not just about looks (it is, but!). It is about being there for yourself and moving forward, even when life has taken you in the opposite direction. In this article, I will share my experience of losing and regaining my self-esteem and offer some tips on building self-confidence at different stages of your life. You are precious;  you are worth every single effort on this journey.

It was about 10 years ago, and I was at my worst. I  had gained 230 pounds in the last 10 years and felt like I was in my body, but it wasn’t mine. I stopped moving. I did not wear makeup and stopped going to the salon. I avoided social activities and drifted away from my friends. I was ashamed to be seen and ashamed of what I had done to my body.

The physical changes brought about some emotional issues. I was on potent antidepressants and anxiety medications and had to start taking blood pressure drugs because of the weight gain. It was a dark time. I spent most of my days tired,  alienated, and stagnant.

Then, in 2022, the chair event was my final straw. I was out in the backyard of our house in a plastic folding chair used for picnics and sports activities. The chair was supposed to hold up to 350 pounds, but I broke it. It didn’t happen when anyone was around, but it felt significant. I remember  sitting on the ground, looking at the broken frame, and thinking, “This has to stop.” I  was always short of breath, had trouble finding clothes to fit me, and carried deep shame. Something had to change.

It has been over two and a half years now. I have lost over 125 pounds, and my life has changed completely. I exercise daily, walk, visit the gym, and get enough sleep. I get a haircut and color every two months at my salon, take care of my skin, and have a much healthier diet than before. I even post selfies online again, regain my friends, and finally enjoy life. The best part? I am losing weight and creating a new life for myself, one step at a time.

And it doesn’t end there. Now that I am  back to myself again, I have some goals: to enhance my financial status, to change my career, to learn new things, and to discover new interests. The future is bright, and my self-esteem matches that. I did not recognize the person I used to be, and I am not returning to her.

Rebuilding confidence is not only about the external appearance but about the control of your life. A number of studies have established that self-confidence is essential for emotional health, resilience, and relationships. Confident women are more likely to speak up for themselves, set limits, and feel more satisfied with their love lives.

In the Journal of Women &  Aging, the author notes that many women experience a decline in self-assurance in midlife due to specific life changes (for example, changing careers, an empty nest, and changes in the body). However, the same study points out that this stage of life is a unique opportunity for development. One must realize that self-confidence is a skill that can be created at any stage of the life course.

I have also learned that the most important thing is that change is your greatest ally. Of course, it is uncomfortable and a way to overcome new challenges. According to the research conducted by Carol Dweck, a psychologist, we can change our brains to perform effectively when we decide to embrace change in our lives.

• Change the  perception: Rather than thinking negatively, say, “I’ve failed,” try saying, “I’m  learning.”

• Try something new: It could be an interest or activity, a job or a friendship, and enjoy what you are doing.

• Rejoice for every victory: Every step is essential and should be appreciated.

 The truth is that confidence cannot be built within your comfort zone. There were times  that I used to avoid places that I found uncomfortable, for instance, joining a gym or uploading a picture on social media. But when I started doing the things that scared me, I realized the fear was short-lived.

• Start small: Give yourself daily tasks that push you, such as introducing yourself to new people or saying no when you mean it.

• Keep track of your accomplishments:  Write down every time you do something courageous, no matter how small it may seem.

I used to be my own worst enemy, and it did not help at all. Rebuilding confidence means taking the same approach to yourself that you would take to a friend. Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion reveals that those who practice compassion are less likely to be stressed out and have faster recovery times.

•Change the way you talk to  yourself: If negative thoughts come to your mind, ask yourself, “Would I say this to someone  I love?”

• Forgive yourself: You are a work in progress, which is okay.

Moving my body has also helped me gain confidence. Exercise provides health benefits to the body, boosts the mood, and reduces stress. Food has also changed me; I now eat healthy and nutritious food instead of starving myself.

• Find your movement: You don’t have to go to the gym; you can dance, do yoga, or take long walks.

• Listen to your body: This is how you should watch what you eat and how you will feel after it and change your diet accordingly.

Positivity is key when it comes to  confidence. One of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned is that not everyone will support your journey—and that’s okay. It is easier to surround yourself with people who build you up and desire to see you succeed.

 Research from the Journal of Positive Psychology shows that people with strong social support have higher self-esteem.

• Assess your friendships: Spend more time with people who make you feel good and have energy around.

• Find your people: Sign up for new activities or reconnect with friends who share your ideals.

Comparison steals the show. Today, due to social  networks, it is easy to get caught up in comparing your self-esteem with other people’s highlights. I have learned to only focus on my own progress and not compare myself with others.

 • Limit social network use if it results in negative thoughts about your appearance.

• Celebrate your successes: Track your progress, no matter how small, and celebrate every step you take.

Confidence is not about arriving at some point; it is about the road. It is also important to celebrate your progress throughout the process. Every little victory counts; you tell yourself you can do it by recognizing them.

• A ‘Confidence Journal’: Write down three things you are proud of every week.

• Look back occasionally: Look at how far you have come and use it as motivation to keep moving.

When you build your confidence, you gain much more than just the feeling – you gain the chance to build new relationships and discover who you are. Here’s what you can expect:

1. Better Mental Health: People with high self-esteem are less likely to be depressed or anxious.

2. Better Relationships: Self-confidence helps you set boundaries and positively interact with others.

3. New Possibilities: Self-confidence makes you bold enough to try out new things and take risks.

4. Inspiration for Others: Your experience can help others build their self-esteem and feel good about themselves.

Rebuilding confidence in midlife is not only possible; it is necessary to lead the best life. I have seen how this change can be, and I have to tell you: You are worth it. It may involve changing your behavior, changing your attitude, or removing the beliefs limiting you, and every step you take is one step closer to the life you want to live. The future is bright, my friend. It is full of light, and there are a lot of opportunities, new interests, and experiences that can be grabbed. There is no looking back. Keep on striving. This is your time to come up, shine, and thrive.

Do you want to change? Then act now and set one small goal on your confidence journey. It could be as simple as catching up with an old friend, exercising, or writing down the things that make you proud. No matter what it is, take the first step and celebrate it.

Love, Jax

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